Santerra's Sin: A Loveswept Classic Romance Read online

  Long seconds later he lifted his head. “Yes, you do,” he said softly. “And so do I.”

  “You take care of you pretty well, Diego Santerra.”

  “Maybe I’m tired of that. Maybe for the first time I think it would be nice to share that load.” Until he’d said the words, he hadn’t realized the depth of truth in them. And the truth terrified him.

  She didn’t look at him; she looked into him. He fought against the urge to close down, to shut her out.

  “What load are you carrying, Diego? Why hasn’t anyone cared for you before?”

  “There was no one at first anyway.” The words came surprisingly easily, as if they’d been waiting all along for someone just to ask. “After a while it was easier not to let anyone. The only person I knew for certain I could rely on was me.”

  “No childhood,” she recalled softly. “Why?”

  “I was left on the doorstep of a mission in Arizona when I was four months old. There was a note saying ‘feed him’ signed with a big Z tucked in my blanket.”

  She stroked his face, her eyes sad, not with pity, but with compassion. How had he fooled himself into believing he didn’t need compassion? He did need. Deeply.

  “So unfair,” Blue said. “At least she tried.”

  “The sisters have no idea who left me. I was naked, unwashed, dehydrated, and severely malnourished.” He paused. Not once in his life had he repeated this story, not in this kind of detail. Not even to Del.

  She continued to stroke his cheek, brushing the hair from his forehead and tracing his brow. It was soothing. Reassuring. There was no judgment here, never would be. Instead she offered peace. Understanding. Sanctuary.

  His voice was a bit rougher as he continued. “Sister Marguerite, the one who found me, was a movie buff. Zorro was one of her favorites. The Z on the note caught her, I guess.”

  “Hence your name. Diego was Zorro’s real name, right?”

  “In Mark of Zorro, according to the sister.”

  “You never saw the movie?”

  Her smile caught at his heart. He shook his head. “Santerra was the name of the manufacturer of the blanket I was wrapped in. Sister Marguerite said it was probably what saved me from the desert nights and was as much my guardian as anything.”

  Blue’s smile was wistful. His breath caught in his throat.

  “Quite a legacy. A lot of babies’ names come out of a book bought for two ninety-five at the local supermart. Yours was chosen with love and affection just for you. Not a bad start.”

  He stared at her in wonder, feeling his eyes burn. “You are amazing.”

  “I’m not anything. I’m just me.”

  She had no idea the gift she’d just given him. “I’ve always defined myself by my past. By the fact that I came from nowhere, with nothing. How did you just change that?”

  “Just lucky, I guess?”

  “Do you have any idea how special you are?”

  “Hardly special.” Her smile faded, becoming wistful, then a bit sad. “You know who I am?” She released a long slow sigh. “I’m someone who has been running from her dreams all her life. I tried to become what I thought I should be and failed at that too. I learned a lot about myself when I divorced Anthony. I am strong.” She looked into his eyes. “But being strong all the time is exhausting. I was tired of trying to figure out what everyone needed me to be. I was tired of trying to figure out what I needed me to be. Since then I have been hiding, playing it safe. If you don’t dare, you don’t risk failure.”

  “And you deprive yourself of the chance to savor sweet success.”

  “What do you know about success, Diego?” she asked sincerely. “When you do your job, complete your missions or whatever it is you call them, do you feel like you’ve done what you were put here to do? Does it satisfy you?” She looked away, then back at him. “I am happy, Diego. My life is a good one, full of friends and family who love me, whom I love in return. But I’m not satisfied.” She released a sigh that came from somewhere deep inside her.

  “Do you understand?” she asked plaintively.

  He pressed his lips to hers in a soft, slow kiss. When he raised his head his eyes were burning. He felt fierce and tender all at the same time. “Yes, I do.”

  “Is it okay not to be satisfied? Do I risk the peace I’ve found on trying to do something I have no idea I can do? On reaching for a dream? What if I fail again? How do I pick up the pieces then?”

  “Oh, Blue.”

  “Then I can’t even say that I’m only doing this until I’m ready to try that. That will be gone. There won’t be anything left to reach for.”

  Reach for me. He badly wanted to be the man she reached for. The goal she’d work for.

  But what the hell did he have to offer her?

  His whole life, his goals and values, were shifting in front of him like sand being blown across the desert.

  “There are always new dreams.” Was this really him talking? She talked about risk. Did he dare? And what if he failed?

  “Are you satisfied with your life, Diego?”

  He shook his head, realizing the truth only in that exact moment. “I’ve never asked myself that before,” he said honestly. “As a kid I spent most of my time feeling cheated out of a life. I had no idea that I was wasting the only one I had.”

  “You were never adopted?”

  He shook his head. “No. It took a long time to get me healthy. I was a sickly, scrawny kid.”

  “You seem to have overcome that fairly well.”

  His mouth curved. “The sisters were determined. Their boss is almost as relentless as you are.”

  She smoothed her finger over his lips.

  Don’t ever stop touching me, Blue. I need to be touched. Often. Forever. The words lodged in his throat.

  “Where did you go when you left there?”

  “I left when I was seventeen. I guess it’s a measure of how strong they were that they got me to stay that long. That I even lived to see seventeen.”

  “Docile and quiet kid, huh?”

  “Not hardly.”

  “Did you finish school?”

  “High school. I drifted all over the South. Ended up in Miami.”

  “Florida.” She said the word as if she was testing the idea of it. “I don’t see you as a beach bum.”

  Fear started to creep inside him. She was looking at him as if he was someone worth knowing. Worth caring about. Worth loving even? He didn’t deserve this, didn’t deserve her. Don’t risk this kind of pain, his head screamed at him. His heart wasn’t listening.

  His smile faded. “Drug runner.”

  “Really?” Her interest was sincere, but there was no censure. “And you got out alive? Pretty scrappy.”

  Perversely her acceptance made him angry. It couldn’t just be okay, could it? Diego purposely shoved reality like a hard wedge between them. “How do you know I got out? How do you know I’m not in with Jacounda on all this?”

  Blue didn’t even blink. “Why rescue me from him? Jacounda. The men who had me said that name. Is he the one testifying, the one who sent them after me? I’ve never heard of him. Why would he want me dead?” She looked up at him. “Will you tell me that? Don’t you think I at least deserve that much?”

  Diego sighed heavily and levered himself off of her and away from her touch. He felt cold, deep down cold.

  She let him go. “I guess not, huh.” It wasn’t a question.

  “You do deserve it, Blue. And a whole lot more.” A whole lot more than me. “The best I can offer you is that when the trial is over and everyone is safe, I will do my best to have the information released to you.” He looked at her. “It’s not up to me. I wish it was, but it’s not.”

  “But you do know.” Blue shoved off the couch and paced the length of the cabin. She stopped, looked at him, then, with another sigh of disgust, resumed pacing.

  Diego made himself watch her fight the internal battle, fight the frustration of not being in control
, of being left out in the cold with no information to help her to deal with it all. If he were in her place, he would feel just the same. This was a mistake.

  He’d told himself that if it had gone according to plan, this would never have been an issue. But he knew now he was fooling himself. As soon as he got to know Blue, he knew Del’s insistence on keeping her in the dark was wrong. He also understood her father’s need to protect his daughter. But at what cost? To both of them. And here she was, at risk anyway.

  “I’ll do my best, Blue. I’ll start on it as soon as I get back in. I’ll send word to John. Or come back myself.”

  She stopped midway across the room and turned to face him. “Come back? Where are you going?”

  Diego couldn’t deny the small burst of pleasure her reaction gave him. Just as he couldn’t deny the equally strong surge of anger he felt at hearing that tiny thread of vulnerability and fear in her tone. Dammit, this wasn’t right!

  He pushed to a stand, grateful when she closed the distance between them.

  “You’re leaving me here with John?”

  “He’s good at his job, Blue. He’ll take care of you.”

  “I don’t want to be taken care of!” She moved closer to him, invading his personal space again, pushing the limits. “I don’t want to be left here. What I want is for you to tell me what is going on so that I can decide for myself what I want. What I want is—” She broke off suddenly, and started to whirl away.

  Diego snagged her arm with his good hand and pulled her back to face him. “What you want is what?” He was standing perfectly still and yet his heart was racing as if he were running uphill. He gentled his hold and his voice. “What do you want, Blue?”

  She began to tremble. He felt the fine tremors under his fingertips. He stepped closer, wanting her in his arms yet knowing it had to be her choice.

  She moved against him easily, a long sigh easing out of her throat as she slid her arms around him so as not to press against his sling.

  He pressed her head to his chest, knowing she’d hear the pounding of his heart, wanting her to know how she affected him. She held him tighter, until he could feel her heartbeat. It matched his so closely that after another few moments he could feel only one.

  He had no idea how long they stood like that. He had pulled her into his arms to comfort her, but the way she held him nourished some deep, unmet hunger inside him. He could have stood there with her for an eternity and still not been sated.

  Long minutes later he slipped his hand up to her face. He smoothed the stray wisps of hair that had long ago escaped her braid and tucked them gently behind her ear. He let his fingers trail over her temple and cheekbone, along her jaw, before coming to rest on her chin. He nudged it up, tilting his head down as she raised her eyes to his.

  “What is it you want, Blue?” he asked, his voice barely a rasp.

  “You,” she answered without hesitation. “I want you.” She pressed a heartbreakingly gentle kiss on his lips then started to pull away.

  “Come here.” He pulled her back against him. “I want you, too, Blue.”

  She kissed him, her mouth melting into his until he swore he couldn’t tell where he ended and she began. The pain in his shoulder and thigh receded as other parts of his body responded to her in a rage of need and want. He shifted his hips against her but nothing eased the ache.

  “I need you, Diego,” she whispered against his mouth. “Like I have never needed before.” He cupped her face with his free hand, weaving his fingertips into her hair, deepening the kiss even as she did the same, until they were mating as fiercely with their mouths as he wanted to with his whole body.

  Panting hard, they finally broke apart. He gripped her hair, holding her head gently but firmly close to his. His eyes searched hers. He knew his expression revealed the primal ferocity of what he was feeling. The need to claim was as strong as it was outrageous. He knew it and couldn’t contain it, couldn’t control it. Didn’t want to. He wanted her to be his in some basic incontrovertible way.

  “I have never wanted like this, Blue. Never felt the need to— The desire to have you is—” There were no words for this. Could she feel it too?

  “Yes, Diego. Oh yes,” she said. And he knew then she did understand. It was like finding the other half of himself.

  For the first time in his life he felt whole. Complete.

  “What you do to me, Blue. What you do to me.” He backed up, pulling her with him, until the couch bumped into his legs. He slid his arm out of the sling, ignoring the burning sting of pain.

  “Diego—”

  “Shhh. Come here, Blue.” He let her go long enough to lever himself down onto the couch.

  “But your thigh—”

  “Straddle me. I want to feel you.”

  She moaned, her knees buckling slightly. “But—”

  He reached up with his good hand and grabbed her hip. “Come here.” He tugged her body to his, needing to feel her heartbeat against his.

  She straddled his hips, careful to keep her weight off his legs, pressing down hard on the juncture of his legs, making them both groan as their bodies moved against one another automatically seeking relief. Then she came into his arms, laid her body against his as if she’d always belonged there. She fit into him as if their contours had been sculpted with the other specifically in mind.

  “Yes,” he sighed into her mouth as he felt the sweet pressure of her breasts cushion his chest, absorb the pounding of his heart.

  She slipped her mouth from his, trailed soft warm kisses along his jaw to the tender skin below his ear. He felt healed. As if the scars on his soul were being smoothed over one by one with each touch of her mouth to his body.

  “I have never felt like this, wanted like this, needed like this,” she whispered into his ear. “Not ever. You make me feel …”

  He nudged her head up and looked at her. “Whole.”

  She smiled. He loved her smile, bathed in the warmth of it.

  “Yes,” she said. “Exactly.” She dropped a soul-healing kiss on his lips.

  “With you I feel this need to …” She shook her head. “I can’t even say it.”

  “Claim?”

  “Yes,” she said, her tone urgent. “And more than that. Diego, this is so unlike me. So unlike what I thought being strong was all about. And yet I feel a need to be claimed too.” She touched his face. “By you.”

  She tightened her knees around his hips, pressing down on him even as his body lifted, looking for, needing that complete connection.

  He brought her mouth to his and kissed her long and hard. “This is just the start of the way we will claim each other.”

  “Oh yes,” she said. She kissed him this time, riding his hips hard until they were both on the brink.

  “I want to feel you inside me, Diego.”

  He didn’t answer. Couldn’t answer. The need to drive deeply into her went far beyond physical satiation. And he knew her need came from that same intangible, unexplainable place. He reached between them and unsnapped his jeans. She slipped off of him and shimmied out of her jeans, then pulled off her shirt.

  His jeans unzipped, his shirt unbuttoned, he stilled. “You’re beautiful, Blue.” He was staring at her. The fierce need, the want, the acceptance, the understanding, the love he found in her eyes brought him to his knees. He reached for her. She helped him slide his jeans to his thighs, careful of the tape, then pushed his shirt open so that when she straddled him they were skin to skin.

  “You’re so warm.” She placed one hand on his cheek, the other on his chest at his heart. Her fingers trailed to the edge of the bandages peeking out from his open shirt. “Your shoulder—”

  “No. I want you. Need you. That”—he nodded to his wounded arm—“is superficial.” He gripped her hip with one hand, and held himself with the other, guiding himself into her. “You heal far deeper wounds with just a touch.”

  He looked to where their bodies were slowly joining. She look
ed down, too, and gasped as he began to penetrate her. “Yes,” she sighed. As he slid all the way inside her their gazes lifted and locked on to each other. “Heal me,” she said roughly. “Let me love you.”

  He surged upward, heedless of his injuries, of the pain lancing his body, feeling only the heat of her, gripping him, holding him deeply within her. He couldn’t get close enough.

  He pulled her up and buried his face in her chest, then turned his head and took one of her nipples softly into his mouth, suckling her.

  Blue cupped his head and watched his mouth move on her. Her eyes burned at the erotic yet tender picture he made as he took from her. She gave willingly and received far more than she could have ever imagined in return. She gave all of herself to him, willingly.

  Heat and need coiled inside her. His lips and tongue pulled and laved her nipple as he surged inside her over and over. She tightened around him, holding him inside her as tightly as she could. She kissed the top of his head, gasping as he caught her other nipple in his mouth.

  He lifted his head, his mouth wet from loving her, and looked into her eyes. “You are mine, Blue Delgado. I give myself to you.” He bucked beneath her and she felt him begin to climax.

  She took his mouth and her climax exploded inside her as she gave herself to him completely.

  Blue had no idea how long they held each other, how long she held him inside her body and her heart. They drifted into a long series of slow kisses, wandering caresses, and softly spoken words.

  Diego rubbed her back with the palm of his hand. “John will be back soon. We should get dressed,” he said against her neck.

  “I know. Life intrudes.” She nuzzled against his cheek. “I don’t like life sometimes.”

  “Me either. I would stay right here forever.”

  Blue laughed softly. “Well, I think if I had a choice, I’d prefer a nice soft bed, you healthy and whole”—she picked at the scraggled mess her hair had become and rubbed at the dirt on her face—“me bathed.”

  He rubbed her cheek with the pad of his thumb. “You’re beautiful.”

  He was so serious, it made her grin. But as she stared into his pale eyes she grew serious too. “So are you, Diego.”